Becoming 30

Yes, it is that time, and as the days creep nearer and nearer, I feel as if my body is being crushed by this overwhelming feeling of dread. What am I talking about? My thirtieth birthday. I always knew that eventually one day I will be thirty. Heck, I’ve even tried preparing for it since I turned twenty-five. Early morning workouts, endless nights at the gym, different diet plans, you know, just doing pretty much anything and everything to make myself as healthy as possible. Yet, here I am, on the brink of what I guess I would consider, my midlife crisis. 
As I was looking in the mirror this morning while getting ready for work, the person who was reflecting back to me, was someone I no longer recognized. The few gray hairs, smile lines, crows feet, dark circles and bags beneath my eyes, have aged my once perfect youth like face. My smile, less authentic as the years pass me by, my hands aging with every wrinkle that forms as the time progresses. The ache in my knees when I take my first few steps in the morning, or the constant random aches and pains throughout my body.  All of these signs and symptoms of an aging body, has left me fearful of what has yet to come. However, if you thought my physical being was my midlife crisis, think again.
More than anything, my desire to become successful, has become such a vehement expression of impatience, that I often do too much too soon, only to end up losing myself once again. Having tried the college scene, failing two semesters, getting put on academic probation and finally giving up by eventually dropping out, has completely thrown my life in a whirlwind. After waking up one morning and walking to the bursars office to tell them I was dropping out that day, I knew I had made one of the biggest decisions in my life that I will soon come to regret. Boy was I right, because here I am. Struggling everyday to figure out what it is I still want to do with my life while being stuck at a dead end job that rips and tears my soul to shreds everyday. So what is it that I want to do? What do I want to become when I “grow up?” That question in my opinion will always be open-ended. You see, I’m not the type of woman who wants to settle with just one career; however, it’s what I need to do. My dreams in life are to be a published author, a personal trainer, and to own my own damn coffee shop, all the while traveling around the world and becoming a mother and perfect wife. I mean, how hard could that be right? Wrong. I’ve tried to stick to one thing at a time, but the one thing that I keep going back to is writing, which I should have stayed in college for, but decided that drinking, getting high and partying was much more important at the time. I mean, isn’t that what your twenties are for? Trial and error?  My life has been nothing but one big conundrum. One big pile of what ifs or what nots. Now, it’s one month and fourteen days until my birthday and I am still sitting around, trying to figure out what the hell it is exactly that I want, and as I continue to write this piece, it all becomes clearer. 
What I want is to just be happy. Not with a career, but with life. It has taken me a while to accept that I could be stuck at this dead end job for the rest of my life, but as long as I continue to do what I love, writing, I will be happy. What I want is to be able to enjoy the things in life most people take for granted, such as, clean water, fresh air, walking on the earth barefoot and practicing love, peace, empathy, genuinity, compassion. It’s taking the good with the bad. Accepting that sometimes shit just doesn’t work out the way you want it to. It’s realizing the shitty ways of society and not falling victim. It’s understanding that your truest self is your most genuine self. If you do not like something speak up. Life is too short to be anything but who you really are. Becoming thirty isn’t what I thought it was going to be. It hasn’t brought me to a point in life where I thought I should be. No. It has brought me to a point and time in the universe of where I needed to be. With that being said, although it may seem as if I don’t have much to others, to me, I have everything. I have a good paying job, regardless if it is not my “dream job.”  I have a roof over my head that I could proudly call my own, I have amazing relationships all around, I’m closer to my family than I have ever been in years, and I have a much deeper sense of understanding of myself and the universe around me. Thirty isn’t about growing up. It’s about showing up. It’s about learning from your past and not allowing yourself to repeat the same mistakes again. It’s about embracing the future and what it has to bring. It’s about accepting the present and allowing yourself to indulge in what it has to offer. It’s about looking in the mirror and not saying, “I’m growing old,” but looking in the morror and saying to yourself, “I’m growing wiser.”

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7 thoughts on “Becoming 30

  1. You are such an amazing writer and these pieces are fantastic! I enjoy them very very much. You’re so inspiration and real! I love You! Keep on keeping on. 😘

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I think it’s because we never really stop “growing.” With everything changing around us, we have to constantly change ourselves in order to adapt. Life’s nothing but a bunch of beautiful experiences that allows us to become better versions of ourself 🙂

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  2. Beautiful… i enjoyed getting to know you through your post. It’s well presented and real. Though am not 30 (am turning 27 in May ) but i could relate to your experiences.

    Liked by 1 person

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