We are not what society makes us; we are what we choose to become. Too often do people blame their lifestyle on society and their upbringing. To some those are valid reasons, but to others it is not. I’m not here to judge or belittle anyone who chooses a path that leads to destruction, because I too once followed that path. I know what it’s like to wake up every morning feeling the same dread and depression that kept me up for hours on end the night before, or in bed for days at a time. I know what it’s like to feel alone, abandoned, sheltered, unwanted, unloved. My teenage years to my twenties wasn’t always great, but it was filled with many experiences that shaped me in to the woman I am today. From drug use to alcoholism, overdosing and suicide attempts, you name it, I’ve done it.
What lead me to such a dark path though? Was it the society I was being brought up in? Or was it horrific past experiences that lead me in to a deep depression. Was it the fact that I felt as if I had no control over my life or the fact that I had too much control, but absolutely no guidance. It’s no mystery that I began to blame everyone and everything for the things that I did not seem fit for my life. My rebellious ways causing so much pain and destruction not only to the ones that I love that tried their hardest to help me, but most importantly to myself.
It was only when I had the most horrific experience of my life, that I woke the hell up. Feeling my body go limp, my heart slowing down, my mind just giving up, wasn’t what terrified me the most; it was the faces I saw in my friends and loved ones faces. It was my mothers cry when she saw me in the hospital thinking that she was going to lose her first born, her daughter. The brokenness and the hurt that clouded her eyes. It was then I knew I had fucked up. It was then I knew that I had to change.
Many of my friends and family to this day think of me as some hippie or weirdo because of the path I decided to choose to a greater more understanding and promising life. I did not choose God, nor will I ever, for my own personal beliefs. I chose Spirituality, the understanding of good and evil, the understanding of balance, the understanding that I have a higher power within myself. Only I can become great by understanding what it is inside of me. Understanding that I can emit a love so deep and so pure, but still have the courage to not take anyone’s shit or to reject anything that is not good for my soul. Just to make things clear before I continue writing, this is not my way of forcing others to give up on what they believe in. I respect people’s religion as I would expect them to respect my beliefs. We all have something we believe so truly in that guides us in the right path; whether it’s Spirituality, Buddhism, Muslim, Christianity, etc. How can I be someone who wants to be respected for what I believe in, if I do not respect in others beliefs?
Moving forward. After having come to the greatest realization of my life, I decided to take back control. I no longer wanted to be another statistic or slave to society. From then on forward I did a lot of soul searching. That included, cutting ties with anyone or anything that brought me down, changing my eating habits to better my bodies ability to heal from the damage I had done, spending time in nature, allowing myself to accept the love that I had been rejecting and emitting the love in return, solitude, enjoying the things I once loved, and foremost, forgiveness. I no longer wanted to be someone who blamed everything that was going wrong around me on to anything and everything else. Yes to this day I am still on this journey to a greater consciousness, because in my opinion, we never stop growing, and we never stop learning. Forgiving myself was the hardest thing to do, but when I did, I had a greater understanding of what it was to be human. The knowledge to know that no one else, but I, gets to choose the path that I live. I was given two options; live a path that destroyed me and everyone I love or embrace in a journey that allowed me to feel again, take back control of my happiness, and make some kind of imprint on the world around me no matter how small. We all have these options and it is up to make a decision.